I do this for you! Don’t understand the language of love, marriage is really a tragedy

“Five Language of Love” is a well -known theory proposed by Dr. Garry Chapman held a marriage study in the United States and regularly proposed in the practice of marriage counseling for marriage counseling.

He believes that everyone has an emotional love box. Only when this love box is filled, interpersonal relationships can develop. However, different people’s love boxes need to be filled with different languages.

Dr. Chapman found that people basically have five types of love: certain words, careful moments, receiving gifts, service actions, and physical contact.

The focus we need to understand this week is why we need to learn the five languages ​​of love.

01

A case

Why is expression? This mystery is really terrible for those who have not learned. Let’s look at a case first:

His wife passed at 10 o’clock in the evening, and she wanted to eat barbecue. When her husband heard it, he was anxious. Is it going to die so late?

The wife said, “I just want to eat, especially, I especially want to eat.” Husband said, “It’s too late, how about it earlier.”

The wife continued: “I haven’t eaten it for a long time, okay?” The husband said, “Eating barbecue so late is really bad for the body.”

Then there was the debate of seven seven eight, and the emotions between the two sides were not good. The wife got the order and was angry while watching the TV.

Then the takeaway came, and the wife was calm alone; her husband couldn’t stand the temptation, and was sad while eating. Originally, a gentle early summer night was unhappy.

我这么做都是为了你好!不了解爱的语言,婚姻真的就是一个悲剧

The reason why this case is interesting is that both people look at each other from their own perspective and love each other in their own way.

His wife wants to eat barbecue because her husband particularly likes to eat. Her suggestion is actually because of the love of the other person, because the husband often baked to eat at night.

But it is very depressed for her husband. Isn’t this good? Eating barbecue so late is not good for his body. This is the “common sense” he has only learned recently.

This matter was very simple. As long as it is clear about the thoughts of the two people and understand the meaning of the other party, you can enjoy the good night with joy, but the reason for the end is that the love words of two people are different.

The husband’s love is rational and logical. He only saw the appearance of barbecue, and did not understand the real needs of his wife, and the careful thoughts hidden in willfulness.

His first reaction was anxiety. This straight male response was often the largest pit in marriage. Unconsciously, he wasted a good opportunity for warmth.

As a result, his wife will naturally only see the anxiety of the husband, but the reason why the husband should be anxious. What is more terrible is that at this time, it is most likely to be deceived by lies.

02

Love language

Why was it loved, but the final ending was unhappy, and there were even many cases because of a little trivial matter, and the reason was that the language we love was different.

In the curriculum of native families, we emphasized that in the early stage of children’s development, each child developed a unique emotional model.

Some children have developed a low self -esteem model because they lack love and affirmation, and children who get love and affirmation will develop a healthy self -esteem model.

Some children have developed emotional models that lack security because of their lack of parental company, while children who are accompanied and cared for have a relatively healthy sense of security.

Some children are full of vitality and confidence because some people love him, some need him, some people need to appreciate him; while some children, because they are not understood and accepted, they feel that no one loves and no one appreciates him.

Those children who feel that they are accompanied by their parents and friends will develop a main love language based on their unique psychological structure, and the way parents and other important characters love them.

And those children who do not feel the care of their parents and friends will also develop some kind of main love. However, their language will be distorted, such as learning bad grammar and barren vocabulary.

In the previous courses, we mentioned four basic character: people see people love type, helpless type, but only my own respect, a sword -shaped throat type.

These four people with different personalities are actually because the understanding and experience of love are different, and the needs and expression of love are different.

Because strictly speaking, no parents are perfect, and love and companionship cannot be perfect, and the language that naturally loves cannot be perfect.

Then the way of expressed naturally will be marked with our own personality. What we lack will need what we need, and think that everyone needs this.

For example, for those who are alone, as long as he listens to him and obeys him, it will make him feel particularly good; but the helpless person needs to constantly boast him, affirm him, and recognize him. This person will feel very different. Essence

But the tragedy is that only the differences will attract each other. Husband and wife have the same main love language, which is very rare.

我这么做都是为了你好!不了解爱的语言,婚姻真的就是一个悲剧

We have the tendency to speak our main love. When the spouse does not understand what we express, it makes us confused and tragedy.

We are expressing love, but this information cannot be transmitted, because what we say, it sounds a foreign language in the understanding of the other party.

03

Maximum complaint

The biggest complaint between the two people in this case is to feel that they love each other very much, but the other party cannot accept it at all or even understand.

The husband thought for his wife’s body, and directly stopped his wife in his familiar language. In fact, he had the result of being affirmed and accepted by his heart that he had to be affirmed and accepted without the opponent’s disagreement.

The wife did not understand her husband’s concern for herself, not because her husband said it was correct, but because she thought that her husband did not recognize her love and husband’s need for her needs.

Both people are actually thinking about each other, but they do not think about the true needs of the other party. Both of them are completely standing on their own perspective.

As a result, the two loved and loved, but the other party not only did not accept it, but felt particularly injured.

Just like in the process of growth, many people don’t like to listen to their parents say something:

“I do this, it’s all for you!”

Staring at your tuition class is for your hello; forcing you to give up all kinds of interests, for the sake of hello; the couple who dismantle early love is for hello.

These things are done in the name of love, but many children are difficult to accept. This is because parents only care about the results, but ignore the children’s feelings, and do not use the way of love that children can understand.

After entering the marriage, the influence and pain of childhood will make the two sides repeat the same mistakes, thinking that they are in love with each other, but the other party cannot receive it.

In fact, we mentioned in a series of differences between men and women: men need to respect the most, and women need to care most.

The wife loves her husband, but when she loves, she does not have respect; her husband loves his wife, but he does not care when he loves. This way of love is difficult to reach the other party’s heart.

More specifically, each of us still has a way to feel respect and concern. Some people have the most feeling for praise, some people feel the most about gifts, and some people feel the most about action.

This is different love words

It is also the starting point for us to respect each other and care about each other. Paying love in the most feeling of the other party is effective.

But before understanding this language, it is best to understand your own character, as well as your own love words, and the most important way for love. Doing these preparations will understand more deeply.

04

Need to learn

Before getting married, many people think that marriage is like a fairy tale: the prince and the princess are the beginning of happiness; but after marriage, we often find that when the prince and the princess are together, the story is over.

It doesn’t work, because you can’t continue to talk about it. If you continue to talk, you may have to quarrel, and there will be many contradictions. In the end, there is a gap between the husband and wife.

It is said that marriage needs to be managed. In the marriage relationship, through our intentions, we know the personality of each other and find out who we are in the end, and dig more possibilities for this relationship.

This involves the techniques that love each other, or in other words, in fact, the language of love.

In the process of communication, how is the language of love presented? How do we find the language they love?

Understanding these issues is of great significance to our business marriage. Every day we and spouses often encounter love with each other but have no response.

我这么做都是为了你好!不了解爱的语言,婚姻真的就是一个悲剧

In fact, many times, we will find that the couple are Mars and the other are Venus; even more terrible, both are absolutely selfish people.

我这么做都是为了你好!不了解爱的语言,婚姻真的就是一个悲剧

Two people are together, although they love each other, but this love hides exchange and conditions. If the exchange has distorted and inequality, terrible events will occur.

So what is the key to the language of love? If you just love each other with your self -centered love, the ending is tragedy anyway.

The wife did a lot of things for her husband, and they arranged for him well, but the husband was still unhappy; the husband bought a lot of gifts for his wife, perfume, rose, brand bag, and his wife still Unhappy.

In fact, the language of love is not right, but it is essentially because of the meaning and attributes of love.

The wonderful thing is that the language of love can be used not only between the spouse, but also in many other fields.

For example, we need to express with children, friends, colleagues in the unit, and many relatives. This is a very important lesson, but there are few teaching in Chinese education.

From small to large, there is almost no course, teaching us how to love others and how to express our love. So we need to learn and understand more now.